Deja Vu

Gabe had a followup eye appointment this morning. Since he and I had to fly up north anyway, Pat came along and we decided to make it a weekend away, since he and I have had significantly less time together since Gabe came along.

It was a really nice weekend. It was good to good to have some time just the two us (well, Gabe too, but he's just along for the ride and as long as we feed him, he's pretty good). We got to see Pat's parents and Gabe made sure to show off his new smiling and cooing talents for them.

Gabe and I got to hang out with Uncle Tim for a long time last night.

And we even got to spend some time wandering Cabela's, where Gabe nearly got attacked by the wildlife.

So all in all, it was a really nice weekend. What I didn't expect was how emotional it would be. When we flew in on Friday night, I was looking out the window and thinking about how nice it was to be coming back now that I'm familiar with the area. Then we got into the rental car and started driving down the street and all I could do was cry. Everywhere I looked, all I could see were the places that I'd gone to after leaving the nicu at night, places I'd taken people to when they came to visit me, streets Pat had driven me down when he was trying to help me get my bearings. Everywhere I looked, all I saw was the nicu and leaving my sweet little baby every night to sleep in an incubator. I expected the hospital to be hard. I did not expect the entire city to be hard.

Pat couldn't get the day off of work today, so he flew home last night and Gabe and I stayed an extra day to go to the eye doctor. I was only staying an extra 24 hours, which is basically nothing. It should not have been difficult. But taking him to the airport yesterday was horrible. It was like deja vu, like all those other times when I dropped him off at the airport, knowing that I wasn't going to see him again for another two weeks.

This afternoon I took Gabe to the nicu to visit. It was so good. It was good to show him off and they were all impressed with how big and healthy he is. I can't imagine how hard it must be for the all of the nicu people, to spend months caring for these babies and then to send them home not able to watch them grow up. So we went to say hello and it was really, really good.

But then I went back to the car and held my baby and cried. I cried for all of the times that I walked out of those doors without him. I cried, remembering what it was like to carry him out the hospital for the first time. I cried for how happy I am that he's here with me now. And I cried, thinking about how close we came to losing him. My sweet little miracle baby.

Speaking of my little miracle baby, his eye appointment today went really well. The doctor told me that for a 23 weeker, you almost plan that he'll need eye surgery. But Gabe didn't. In fact his eyes look great. He has a slight astigmatism, but it's not a huge deal. He may need glasses eventually, but he doesn't need them now. His eyes are doing exactly what they should be doing. He needs a follow up in a year.

My dear, sweet little miracle baby.