Week 19

Today I’m 19 weeks 5 days pregnant. In a normal pregnancy, that wouldn’t mean much. Nothing huge happens here. But for me, this was the week that changed everything with Gabe. I was 19w3 the day that I went in for my big ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or a girl and instead ended up on bedrest with the words “too dire for a medivac” and “go home and wait for him to die” ringing in my ears. 19w5 was when I had my amniocentesis and the doctor used the phrase “your odds were pretty bad before. Now they’re even worse.” And 20w0 was the surgery that wasn’t supposed to work. But God was bigger than all the odds and the surgery worked and we finally had a ray of hope. My 19th week of pregnancy with Gabe was easily the darkest week of our lives.

And now I’m 19w5 days again. I can’t help but relive that week. Yes, now I can see that God worked it all out according to His purpose and I can see that we got this amazing miracle little boy, but in that week, we couldn’t see the end. We couldn’t see that there was any hope.

This pregnancy is different. I’ve already had surgeries, shots, extra pills and constant monitoring. And so far, I’m not on bedrest! But being pregnant after everything we went through with Gabe has been really hard. It’s hard to walk through the timelines all over again. It’s hard once again not being able to see the end.  It's hard not knowing if this time is going to be different.

Tomorrow I go in for the big ultrasound. The one that changed everything the last time. But Wednesday I’ll hit 20 weeks. The day that we had hope again.