Paige

Two months ago, we found out about Paige and Ruby. They were born at 24 weeks and they were very sick little girls. They both had brain bleeds and only time would tell what damage that would do to them. Ruby died when she was a couple of days old.

I've never met these girls or their parents. But as I followed their story, all I could see was my little Gabe. This could have so easily been his story. How did we get so lucky that our baby avoided all of the normal preemie issues, and these girls got them all? I know it's not luck, it's Divine Providence. God has His own reasons and He saves some and others heals by taking them home. There may not be rhyme or reason, at least not in our view, but He has His reasons and His plans are always good. But that still doesn't stop me from asking why. Why did God save my little Gabe and He didn't save Ruby?

For the last two months, we've followed little Paige as she got bigger and stronger. They even tried taking her off the ventilator. But in the last few days, she started getting sick. She got another infection. They discovered her bones were breaking because she was so tiny. She started having seizures. They suspected meningitis. The infection started coming out of her skin. Her organs started shutting down. In the last few days it's been very obvious that she was a very sick little girl.

Tonight she rests safe in the arms of Jesus, finally free of the pain and the struggles. She's healed. 

Once more, I just keep thinking about how easily that could've been us. A couple of hours before Gabe was born, I told the doctors that I understood that he might make it two months and we could lose him, or we might take him home or he might not last five minutes. But if it looked like he wouldn't last five minutes, could they bring him back to me so that I could hold him before he died. I've thought about that conversation so many times in the last 17 months. At the time, I was very calm, well aware of the uncertainty of our situation. But now, I wonder how I could have possibly asked that question. How did I have the calmness and presence of mind to ask that? And what a terrible situation we were in that I even had to consider those as the outcomes. We got to take him home. But it would have been so easy for us to lose him, either at five minutes or at two months in. And yet we didn't.

Tonight I put Gabe to bed. He stood up crying as I closed the curtain and turned on the nightlight, so I picked him up and he snuggled him on my chest. And I thought about little Paige and her mom, who will never get to do this. And all I could do was cry. I stood there, holding my son, sobbing about a baby that I've never met, but somehow her story hit me on a level that I can't even explain. 

He and I stood there for a long time. I couldn't put him down. And I thought about Paige's mom, holding her daughter for the last time. How could you ever let go? I couldn't even put my son to bed tonight. How would you put your tiny baby down, knowing that you'll never pick her back up again?

I know that God is in control. I know that He loves these little babies more that we ever could. But watching Paige and Ruby over the last few months has made it so clear that we cannot understand His plans and His purpose.

I have no idea why my son is okay and those little girls are not. I will never truly know the answer to that question. All I can do is trust. And maybe snuggle my baby a little tighter tonight.